Why I'm Bad at Snow Sports

Growing up, I was always jealous of the kids who went skiing over Christmas break. They went to Wintergreen or, if there families were really avid skiers, Whistler or Aspen. Coming from a family that never once went on a vacation with just the four of us, my friend's travels seemed simultaneously foreign and utterly glamorous. I imagined my classmates with their families, in a giant lodge, huddled around a roaring fire captured in a stone fireplace, drinking hot chocolate as the snow melted off their North Face parkas. I wanted to be one of them. I wanted to have stories about how I went down a double black diamond when I was 8. I wanted to see boys in Montgomery Mall and know them because "our families both have cabins at the mountain." I wanted to be the cute, bouncy, blond daughter of a skiing family.

The school which I attended from Kindergarten through 12th grade had a day designated every February called Ski/Skate Day. On that day, classes were canceled and the entire school was trekked off to either the Whitetail ski resort or a skating rink in Wheaton (STARK contrasts, FYI.) But here was a nasty little trick the school employed: up until the 4th grade, you couldn't go skiing, you HAD to go to the ice rink. So for 5 long years, I continued to pine and dream of the day when I would take my rightful place on the top of the mountain with two waxed, metal beams strapped to my feet. I would show everyone that Katie Friel was not only a good skier- she was goddamn great.

By the time we got to 5th grade I could not wait to start my skiing career. I could see it now: My innate rhythm and poise would make me natural. I would be going down double black diamonds by noon. By the end of the day, the resort would ask me if I would consider doing demonstrations. "Katie the Skiing Wonderkin" they would call me. I would tour the world showing off my skills. In my travels I would meet Pedro, a ski instructor from Spain. He would be in 9th grade and would take me to his school's prom. I would instantly pick up Spanish and wow all of his amigos with my natural American wit while all my friends back home stewed in jealousy. It was going to be awesome.

When we arrived at Whitetail, the class was divided up into two groups: the kids that could ski and the kids that couldn't. I was in the later- but I was determined I would not be in it for long. My group was regulated to the bunny slope. An instructor came out and showed us all the basics. What our equipment was (heavy), what the proper protocol on the mountain was (don't hit anyone), how to use our poles and how to stop (throw yourself on the ground). Within a few hours, my friend CC and I had made it down the bunny slope a few times without falling. And we were proud. We broke for lunch and while sitting in the lodge I had dreamed about for so long, in front of a roaring fire in a stone fireplace, I listened as my skier friends told stories about their morning. With red cheeks and snot dried faces, they talked of double black diamonds and run-ins with trees and cute ski instructors. "That's it," I thought. "I'm going to do this. I'm going to get off the bunny slope and get on with my life. Katie the Skiing Wonderkin will meet Pedro the Spanish Ski Instructor and I'm going to go to prom and I'm going to have a boyfriend and life is going to be great."

Somewhere along the way I enlisted CC. She and I had been on the bunny slope together all morning and I could tell she was just as anxious and I was to move onto something bigger and higher. "Let's do it," I said. We got in line for the ski lift that would take us up the next hill: a blue square. We managed to get onto the lift without incident. The entire way up (and it was a long way up) we talked about how excited we were and how totally prepared we were to do this. As the the lift got closer to the peak, we prepared ourselves. We lifted our poles like the instructor said, we arched our backs, pulled our skis up and pulled up the bar of the seat. CC got off without a hitch. She glided away from the ski lift with ease. I wasn't so lucky. As we got to the top I panicked and stuck my skis straight down. The result was my tips getting stuck into the snow and my body being propelled forward like a slingshot. CC saw me and, unable to control herself, threw herself on the ground in an effort to stop. The ski lift was stopped so that I could get up without being run over. I tried in vain to fling myself off of my face and onto my back. I finally did. I then duck-walked over to CC and prepared myself for the mountain that lie ahead.

The mountain was steep and full of mole-hills. I swallowed my fear, squatted down and pulled my poles up. I stated gliding. In a matter of seconds I was going way too fast and had to fling myself on the ground in order to stop. CC was right behind me. She too gathered some speed, freaked out and threw her body into the hard, icy snow. The pattern continued. CC and I would finally manage to get ourselves up, arch our backs, ski for as long as we could before we flung ourselves to the ground. 45 minutes and 1/2 way down the mountain, CC had had enough. She was sick of flinging herself down the mountain. She was going to go for it. There is a time in every relationship where you ask yourself, "Is this person holding me back? Could I be more without them?" CC and I had reached that point. She was ready to lift her poles, wipe the snow off her face and hurdle down the hill towards an indefinite but bright future. And so she did.

I watched as CC took off. She had decided what she wanted to do and didn't fall once as far I could see. And I was stuck there.

I was on the mountain for another 1/2 hour. CC had gotten to the bottom, I had skidded down the rest of the way on my ass. Other skiers had yelled at me, kids had laughed, I was mortified. When she got back to the lodge, CC had told one of the ski/skate day volunteers that I was still up on the slope. When I finally arrived at the bottom (a good 90 minutes after I had gotten onto the lift) all of the volunteers and a few of my classmates were waiting at the bottom totally worried. "Are you ok?" they asked. "We called the ski patrol!" I explained that I was fine, aside for a bunch of bruises and a horribly injured ego, I was uninjured.

I'm the kind of person that once I try something and it goes horribly wrong, I don't try again. 8 years after the initial skiing catastrophe, my friend Marisa convinced me to go back to Whitetail to try snowboarding. At this point, I was working at PacSun and, therefore, felt I was pretty hip to the skate and snowboarding scenes. I owned a couple of Etnie's T-Shirts and a studded belt so, as far as I was concerned, would at least look pretty damn cool on that slope. We hopped in my Mazda Protege and we headed towards the mountain.

We got to the resort, parked and headed in to rent our gear. At this point, I would like to explain my outfit: instead of snow pants, a sweatshirt, a warm jacket and long underwear, I had on jeans and a puffy red vest with the name of a concrete mixing company on the back and embroidered with the name "Vance". I used to wear this vest all the time in college. I was wearing it when I ran into my 8th grade English teacher in the mall over Christmas vacation. We exchanged pleasantries before my teacher blurted out, "So, are you working construction now?"

Marisa and I got our gear and headed out to the bunny hill. Marisa took to snowboarding with ease (as she does most athletic activities) while I struggled to manage the giant board strapped to my feet. The principles of snowboarding were similar to skiing: your equipment was heavy, you tried not to run into anyone and if you needed to stop you flung yourself to the ground. Over the course of the day I started to get the hang of it. I managed to make it down the bunny hill and moved onto the advanced bunny hill. But the end of the day, I was cold (I was only wearing my Vance vest) and tired. I found Marisa and we agreed: one last run.

My friend and I got onto the lift and headed up the advanced bunny hill. 20 seconds later, it was time to get off. Once again, the lift neared the end of our ride and suddenly- flashback! I saw my 10-year old self propelled forward off the seat and into the snow. I saw the embarrassment of having the lift stopped as the ski patrol raced to help me up and out of the way of the rest of the skiers. I saw the look on the ski/skate date volunteers faces when I finally got to the bottom of the hill- a mixture of worry and absolute pity. That was not happening to me again. I would not let it happen. So I jumped.

In an effort to prove to myself I was no longer the awkward, athletically incompetent 10 year-old I once was, I jumped off the lift too early. The seat hit the small of my back and and flung me just far enough that I landed face down on to the exit mound. I managed to roll out of the way so as not to disrupt the rest of the people. I got up, legs numb, face frozen and began my ride down the mountain.

The ride started off great. I was making turns, I was staying up, I was avoiding other people and I was starting to go really, really, really fast. I was going so fast that I lost control of my body as it hurtled down the mountain and into what I imagine was going to be a small child. I needed to stop. As I rushed towards the cement pole that held up the lift, I dug my board into the snow, flipped up in the air and completed what I can only describe as a triple axle-esque spin before landing face down in the snow.

I knew instantly I was hurt. My breath was gone and I was suddenly, painfully aware of my ribs. I laid still. I couldn't think, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't lift my head. I heard laughter. I rolled over to my back and looked up. There, on the slow moving ski lift were two little boys. They had seen my epic ride down the hill and the two little shits were now looking at me and laughing. One of them even shook his skis so that the excess snow fell off and onto my face.

I took my board off and grimaced the rest of the way down the hill. By the time I got home I was in so much pain, my mom gave me one of the left over Vicodin I had from getting my wisdom teeth out. It hurt to laugh, it hurt to stand and I couldn't even get up off the couch without someone coming and helping me.

Perhaps it is not a such a strange thing that I moved to a place where any mention of possible snow flurries sends people into a blind panic. Perhaps I will one day meet a Spanish ski instructor who will convince me to try it one more time. But more likely, I won't.

I don't regret the pain or even the humiliation that these sports caused me. The three truths about skiing are same three truths about life: the equipment is heavy, you have to watch out for other people and if you think you're going to fast, just throw yourself to the ground.